Becoming Mom

I think that there is a moment, or several, in everyone’s life when you find yourself exactly where you are meant to be at exactly the right time.  This moment is different for everyone; for many it is meeting their children for the first time, or finding their significant other, but this moment can be anything.  Its just a moment in time where all the variables in your life line up to create a perfect moment where nothing outside it matters.  Time freezes and you try to soak up every second of this moment before it passes.  This moment for me was when I held my son for the first time.

My labor was not easy, it lasted 14 hours and I am lucky to have made it out alive.  I remember being weak, and more exhausted than I had ever been in my life; but still the moment I held him on my chest for the first time was the most perfect moment I’ve ever experienced in all my life.  I felt whole for the first time in my life.  I vividly remember not wanting to hold him right away because I was so weak and so scared I would drop him, but when I held him I knew he’d always give me strength.  It was a moment that I will always remember as vivid as the day it happened.

Directly after having my son my uterus didn’t have the strength the contract properly and I hemorrhaged.  I ended up losing 1/3 of my blood and my placenta had to be manually torn out of me.  I remember my husband being so amazed by our son he was blinded to the fact that I was bleeding out on the table in front of him.  Which I am still so thankful for.  I remember bits a pieces of the experience, nurses jabbing shots of something in my legs, my OB sticking his entire hand in me, my mom and sister, and the ‘massaging’.  Whoever decided to call the literal kneading of your uterus after a birth a massage is a sick person.  Honestly I remember the entire labor and delivery process as being horrific and still look back on it more as a nightmare than reality.

Unfortunately Labor and Delivery wasn’t where my struggles would end.  I found myself moved to Recovery and instantly my room was filled with friends and family.  I still barely had enough blood in my body to function but I appreciated having my loved ones come and meet Karson.  At one point my best friend came to visit and the second she took Karson I fell sound asleep.  Little did I know my husband had done the same, and here she was just loving on my maybe day old son.  These are the moments of beauty in the chaos of my hospital birth experience.  With that first night came  new challenges, being new parents with little to no guidance from hospital staff.

That first night my son nursed for 9 hours straight, and not once did a nurse come to check on us or make sure we were doing ok.  We were woken up abruptly at daybreak and told that I not only was dehydrated and not producing milk for baby but I also needed a blood transfusion since my iron levels were not improving fast enough to produce the blood I needed.  I felt panicked and totally unsupported and the only thing I knew to do was to call my mom and cry.  She came over and for the next night and day in the hospital she was there for me to make sure the nurses were getting me what we needed.

I remember the day we left the hospital I felt so anxious because since Karson had come things had been hard in the hospital.  I felt like I was barely able to keep myself above water let alone take care of him too.  I had spent several days there, received terrible care, and hadn’t taken a shower or anything after birth.  I arrived home scared, anxious, and overwhelmed.  All it took was a hot shower to change everything.  I felt so relieved to be home, and my husband and I were working together so well.  We were both tired but both so happy.  Karson had brought us closer together and being home as a family was exactly what we needed.  Life felt perfect, exhausting, but perfect.  We loved every moment of being new parents even the hard ones.

 

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